Who or what decided that your 20s are for finding love? What created the belief that finding a mate in young adulthood is the only way to ensure you are not alone in old age? Where did this fear of running out of time for love come from?
Marriage, which derives from the Latin word marītāre meaning to provide with a husband or wife, is defined as the culturally recognized merger between elements (Merriam-Webster, 2020). The word element is used to encompass the full capacity of marriage across the various civilizations that exist throughout the world where the idea of union has vastly different interpretations. For example, in China, some people participate in “Ghost Marriages” where either the bride or groom is deceased (TED-Ed, 2014). This is done to continue family lineages or appease restless spirits (TED-Ed, 2014). Since its conception in 2350 B.C., marriage began primarily as a means to something bigger (The Week, 2007). Whether the goal was property, familial power, currency, or stability, marriage incarnated for purposes of institution (TED-Ed, 2014). The idea of marrying for love is a new concept that emerged in Western culture in more recent eras (Origin of Everything, 2018). More specifically, marriage for the purpose of love began to popularize in the 18th and 19th centuries when people in the US and in Europe began embracing concepts of individuality and happiness (Origin of Everything, 2018). Here is where the idea of finding love in young adulthood originated — as couples typically entered union with each party living in their early twenties (Census, 2019). According to the US National Library of Medicine, the life expectancy average of Western culture civilians was about 44 and a-half-years at this time — which means people were marrying for the last half of their lives (ncbi, 2020). Fast forward to the 1950’s where a more modernized concept of love and marriage emerged, rates show that about 64 to 69 percent of Americans in their twenties were married during this time (ncbi, 2020). As well, the life expectancy average in the US increased to about 66 years during the 50s. (Census, 2019). This means, that despite living longer, society still deemed it customary to find love early in life.
Marriage rates have seen a decline since the start of the 21st century. According to the CDC, in the year 2000 about 2,315,000 couples were married compared to the 2,132,853 couples married in 2018 (CDC, 2019). With new arenas for independence forming every day, the goal for union has taken a backseat to more individualized fulfillment. People are marrying later in life — with the average age for marriage now reflecting about 28 since 2015 (Census, 2019). There are many reasons why the shift in matrimony has occurred, however, it ultimately concludes to American society’s interpretation of what is important. People are finding it plausible to achieve aspects of marriage like stability and property on their own — making marriage seem less like a priority. That said, the average age for marriage still lies in one’s 20s. This shows that though individualism has ascended to new heights in the US, the search for love is still held hostage in youth.
While it seems understandable that people who lived in earlier generations of commitment would focus on partnerships in their 20s due to the average life expectancy reaching the half-way mark at that point, the quest for finding love is less linear for young adults today. Though existing with more than double the life cycle of those in previous centuries, modern-day twenty-somethings continue to search for love as though they will die soon.
There are many components that support American society’s decision to carry the tradition of young attachment into newer eras of human development. For example, some people value starting families at young ages, some people commit for religious purposes, some people marry for citizenship or tax incentives, while some partner for medical predication. Though each aspect is valid for the normality of young love, the US media’s interpretation of how love develops is arguably at the forefront for society’s expectations of romance evolution. Disney, an immense powerhouse for media sourcing around the world, has created endless examples of young and beautiful people finding one another, falling in love, and living happily ever after. Never has there been a Disney princess in her 50s who catches the eye of an equally middle-aged prince. Contrarily, the depiction is always a young man and a young girl defying external odds for the sake of their love. A closer look actually exposes Disney’s affinity for creating underage power dynamics in fairytales, but that is an argument for another article. More than just the emphasis on young people falling in love, Disney creates each storyline with love as the main focus — consequently teaching young age society that they should strive for love and marriage above all else in their youth. Disney’s 1989 The Little Mermaid is literally a story about a young mermaid who can sing and talk, but who gives all of that up for love.
As well, more recent additions of media like reality television extend the narrative of young love in the form of dating shows where the target is to find partnership in early adulthood. The popularity of productions like The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Love is Blind, and Married At First Sight show how modern day American society continue to view love through a dated lens rooted in early death. This is where the feeling of running out of time for love grounds itself. Americans are taught from a young age that their window for partnership is limited, and that they must actively seek affection to avoid being alone in bereavement.
I too find myself worried about my future in love. As a twenty-something-year-old American, I have been trained through history and media to believe that my twenties are for finding the one. I look around me and I see people I graduated high school with getting married and starting families. A part of me knows that I am not ready for that kind of commitment, yet a part of me worries I will be left behind in the quest for loving fulfillment. This article is not to debate the best time for union, but instead expose the antiquated standards American youth are held to. I do hope this breakdown of love and marriage throughout time and space not only inspires my readers to approach their destinies more gently, but also, I hope it motivates me to put less emphasis on finding love and more emphasis on finding myself. Ultimately, I believe that is what our twenties are for. Our youth is about figuring out who, why and how we want to be in this world. Our ancestors had the right idea back in the 18th and 19th centuries when they began to prioritize their own needs and desires over cultural norms. If we can now modernize those values, I trust that we can individually achieve inner gratification earlier in life.
Who says you have to be in love in your twenties? I mean like, what are you going to die soon? Lol.
Sources used:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2885717/
https://www.census.gov/data/tables/time-series/demo/families/marital.html
https://theweek.com/articles/528746/origins-marriage
https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/dvs/national-marriage-divorce-rates-00-18.pdf
